Ridge Insights - August 2007
Debriefing
Ridge Insights
A monthly e-brief from Ridge Training
Date: August 20, 2007
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WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT: BARRIERS TO COMMUNICATION
How would you respond in each of these situations?
1. An employee or team member says to you, "I'm so far behind, there's no way I'm going to get this finished by the deadline. I don't know what I'm going to do!" What would you say?
-- Tell them to stop complaining and get working.
-- Ask some questions to find out a little more about the problem.
-- Sit down and look at the timeline to figure out what to do.
2. A customer (internal or external) calls and says to you: "How many times do I have to call before you get it right? There's been one delay after another." How would you respond?
-- Explain why there were delays.
-- Apologize and assure them it will not happen again.
-- Ask questions to find out what to do next to fix the problem.
3. A child says to you in frustration, "You just don't understand!" What would you tell them?
-- "Of course I understand. It's just that..."
-- Explain your point in a way that proves that you do understand.
-- Tell them that they can't always get what they want.
In each of these situations, the best answer is often, "None of the above." When you hear strong emotions and feel others' stress at work or at home, the best answer is to listen, and it's the hardest thing to do.
When a loved one or coworker has strong emotions, we'd rather not hear it. So we try to solve the problem by asking questions, giving advice, or simply telling people what to do. Sometimes we just want to avoid their concerns entirely and smooth it over with reassurance, telling a similar story, or explaining why it has to be that way. At our worst we distance ourselves from the other person by criticizing them, analyzing them or even praising them-- instead of seeking to understand what's troubling them.
The problem is, when we don't listen at these stressful moments, our non-listening reactions put up roadblocks to communication, as Thomas Gordon, Ph. D., called them in his research. He estimated that when people have a problem or a need to be fulfilled, roadblocks are used over 90 percent of the time. These barriers damage relationships; they block a connection rather than foster it. If you use these barriers frequently or at the wrong time, you may find that people don't talk to you about the important things. Your employees won't tell you when they're going to miss deadlines, customers may speak badly of you behind your back (as well as to your face), and your children may stop talking to you at all.
WHAT TO DO
1. Be Aware of Your Habitual Barriers
Read about what the barriers are and what they sound like by reading the handout at this link:
http://www.ridge.com/downloads/ListeningBarriers.pdf
Robert Bolton gives a thorough, readable, write up of all the barriers in Chapter 2 of his book "People Skills."
[http://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X]
Most people don't use all the barriers all the time; they favor a few. What are yours? Problem solving? Asking questions? Reassuring? Be aware of what feels more comfortable for you than listening. Then ask yourself what effect this has on the other person. Are they opening up or shutting down? Are they talking or listening? Are they more defensive or becoming relaxed?
2. Stop Using Barriers
For your next important conversation, when the other person has a lot to say, give them some time to talk. Don't talk about your own ideas. Don't ask questions, and don't tell the person what to do. Don't reassure them, or tell them how something similar happened to you. Instead, let them talk. Notice what's different this time. Sure, you're uncomfortable, but what do you notice about the other person?
3. Try Listening
Perhaps someone's even told you, "I don't need you to solve my problem, I just needed you to listen to me." Even though you feel rebuffed when that's said, try listening. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine what it's like to be in their situation-- feelings and all. Then describe it out loud. Stay curious. The story will unfold. You'll find those emotions that you dreaded having to deal with are manageable after all, and you might even learn something.
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Copyright 2007 - Ridge Associates, Inc. - All Rights Reserved.
Copyright 2008 Ridge Associates, Inc. All Rights Reserved.