Ridge Insights - December 2007
Relationship Needs
Ridge Insights
A monthly e-brief from Ridge Training
Date: December 19, 2007
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WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT THIS MONTH - RELATIONSHIP NEEDS
At this time of year we like to reflect on the greater meaning of our work, for there is value not only in increasing the productivity of human relationships but in the relationships themselves. Many of the skills we teach address the basic human needs people have of others. Attention, acceptance, appreciation, and assertion, like a ladder, make up a framework of human relationship needs.
ATTENTION
Humans crave attention, the first rung on the ladder. Babies who lack attention can show failure to thrive, while the elderly can become disoriented and even psychotic without enough attention. Attention is a basic need and an important component of mental health. Two ways of giving people attention are through Attending
(www.ridge.com/insights/ins2006_10.html, www.ridge.com/downloads/Attending.pdf)
and Following
(www.ridge.com/insights/ins2007_09.html, www.ridge.com/downloads/Following.pdf).
ACCEPTANCE
Still, once that basic need is met, people need more than just attention; they want to be accepted by others for who they are, how they think and how they behave. When people feel that others are critical or judging, it escalates conflict and tension in relationships, and raises defensiveness. Barriers to communication are one way that people unintentionally telegraph a lack of acceptance, and Reflective Listening is a way to demonstrate acceptance. (www.ridge.com/insights/ins2007_08.html)
APPRECIATION
On the next rung of the ladder, beyond attention and acceptance, is appreciation. One of the major complaints of American workers is a lack of appreciation. People want to be valued. They want to be noticed and appreciated for their contributions. While this should be easy to do, people don't give enough recognition nor do they receive enough of it. Here are some suggestions for how to really make a difference in acknowledging people. (www.ridge.com/insights/ins2006_12.html, www.ridge.com/insights/ins2007_11.html)
ASSERTION
Assertion is something most people would like to give more of--and get less of in return. However, the relationships that create the most stress and tension for people are those troubled by undiscussed issues. People crave the moment of truth that is released through assertion, whether it's in conflict, following up an Agreement discussion, or just a candor moment. Many people, when asked to name someone who made a difference in their life, name someone who "pushed" them, who was willing to confront them when it was needed. These conversations are the most difficult to deal with, but on the other side of them people often find creativity, invigoration and clarity. For help in navigating these difficult conversations, you can look back to
www.ridge.com/insights/ins2006_06.html
and
www.ridge.com/insights/ins2006_09.html.
AFFECTION
The top rung of the ladder is affection; everyone needs to love and to be loved. Unlike the other rungs, affection doesn't have a skill set associated with it. Yet when the basic human needs of attention, acceptance, appreciation, and assertion are met, we are more relaxed, more satisfied, more connected to others, less defensive and more loving. Wouldn't it be great if you liked everyone you worked with? Working up this ladder of needs with your colleagues means it's more likely you could feel that way.
People thrive in an environment where they feel noticed, accepted, acknowledged, respected through the power of assertive conversations, and genuinely liked. When people thrive in that way, the work of the group thrives too. We at Ridge hope that you, your business relationships and the work of your business thrive next year.
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